yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize
