after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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