Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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