There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
