First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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