Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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