This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
