please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
