Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
