And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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