for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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