you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
