I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
