I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
