totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
