who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
