It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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