I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
