Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
