The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
