tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
