dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
