I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
