I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
