Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
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