This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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