DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I want to be your penis for a week.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
