if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
