put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Randomize
