he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Randomize
