____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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