I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I still have a little drunk in my system
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
