I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
