he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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