how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
