There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
