I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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