Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
