im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
