Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I'm having to shit out rocks
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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