This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
