Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
