I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
