It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
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