dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
