whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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