oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
