Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
