i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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