Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
