I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
